My sister told my mom that one of her friends be having sex with a family friend. Im thinking her brother wow. With the name of that girl but she said taking him to court for rape i was like. Wtf he not that old but she told me the family friend was 50. My sister is in the 8th grade. I bet i kno who the girl is but dawg. Anyone tell that girl to keep her legs closed. Idk the guy but thats even worse on him. What pleasure can u get from a 14 yr old. Pedophile alert. Better find him on those websites or something thats ridiculous. I swear if my sister told me a 50 yr old was messin with her i got my shotgun ready and ima blow his dick off and watch his suffer slowly. Nigga. Bitch nigga. I hate pedo's.

I feel like it is happening all over again. I feel like something is going to just mess US up and im not ready for it. Im just so stressed right now. I got midterms this week. I gotta go get my license. Gas is $3.45. Im upset. I need some pills to eassse my mind but I cant even afford that. Like, ……. Im upset. highly pissed off right now.
I need something to calm down on. I had told him to make sure he got some on Friday but I cant do shit when I go home Friday and dont have 40 dollars. Well, 20 but i was planning on buying 4 so we can double up and sex it up twice as much…………… I dont even care bout the sex part right now I can get that whenever I go home but the getting high part. Smh. I feel like Im just willing to do anything to ease my mind. im tired of being stressed out all the time.
I need motivation to do my paper. I havent started. Due tomorrow. I give up. Like, what the hell. Life is going sooooooooooooooooooooo wrong. I just want to pop a bean and just lay there and think. I made a B on my History paper when I was high off that and i did all 5 pages in an hour like, I was beasting it. I had an hour and a half to do it before it closed then when i sent it i seen she pushed the time back. I was so upset. I kinda like, blew my high towards the end of it but i got it done and I made a B in the class. (dances around).
I just wish someone understands how I feel. I really want to take a semester off from school.

In the mornin on the way to breakfast

Im at the point where everytime i see my bf i love him more and more. Im tired of all the petty ish influencing my behavior. So the fuck what. Im at the point of talking about the same thing that im tired of it. It always seem like im trying to find something wrong to convince me that im making a mistake but how is that doing me any good when i know i didnt make a mistake.

I came to the conclusion that if god (yes i actually mentioned him, rarely happens right? Lol.) but if god wanted it to happen. It would. Like teen mom. Thats there life destiny. Obviously if theyy going through it they are going through with gods plans fo them. You can say whatever you want i dont really care. Just my opinion. That and god dont like ugly aka karma. So everyone that is fckn up will be punished. Either sooner or later. Bad or worst. Im just saying.

Blogger its been a while. I have nothing interesting to say right now. Most of everything i need to say is on tumblr soooo... Sorry for abandoning you but just know im stressed. Ima give u a bried summary.

Bday weekend was great with my boyfriend everytime i see him i love him more and more. Had to let my friend know i love my boyfriend and that im happy with him and for him to stop trying to get with me. Smh.

Uhmm got drunk. Cant drink and drive. Stressed out becuz my slow self threw my dmn license away my friend said its gnna show up.i dont think so tho cuz if i had my receipt that i threw away then something gotta give. Oh well.

Just pray that im able to go to the beach for my spring break likee i planned on doing.

I know i shouldn't laugh tho.

Walking to class this girl was cumin up the stairs and tripped. Dude, I was the only one that seen that. I was gnna ask if she was ok but she had headphones on. I kno she was embarrassed.

Her face was 2 inches away from the ground. Im glad she caught herself cuz wen she tripped, def didnt look pretty.

Why is it so empty, i kno im not early. Class start at 9:30.

On the phone for 20 mins....

Told me he loved me he missed me cant wait till i come home (tonight) then i asked bout his day, he told me. "I drunk some aristocrat. That shit laid me down. I was sleep bout 6:30." and then i dnt say nun cuz i hear heavy breathing and his snores. :) . Im always the last to go to sleep i think i shud fall asleep on him sometimes. :D Home at 1. *Presses the fast forward button on remote*

Emotional moment...

He finally answered my question. He didnt realize it but it got answered. I wish he wud have just said it from the jump even if it was such a long time ago and i guess him explaining the history of events thats been going down i understand why they are causing drama now. (I been knew, but i have a perfect understanding. Now i see y ppl say they have haters on a day to day basis.)

we was talking again. And he was talking about the letter. Talking about how he know where im coming from and that i shouldnt feel that someone is going to take him away from me cuz he already made his mind up about being with me and he shud have let it go just fly by but he didnt. ( A whole story for another post. No im tired of tlkn bout her and her sister.)

anywhoo. He kept tlkn bout the things i pointed out. The fact that he undderstands how i feel. How when i said that i know its impossible for him to love me more than i love him. He wasnt even going to argue with that. He said that he knows thats true because of all the shit that he had put me thru, im still here. I havent left. Not even when it was the worse situation possible im still here. And he knows that he put me thru a lot. He doesnt understand y im here, i dnt kno y i stayed. So many times i wanted to leave but i didnt cuz i thought he wud change. He told me he had mad respect for me because of that and if im willing to go thru that then im willing to go thru anything.

Then started tlkn bout he was in love with me, everytime he turn the ipod on and see my face he cant help but smile and wait for me to come Home. How he dont want to lose me to crazy bitches and he said she said. That he loves how much his mom likes me and how i make him feel. That i seemed to turn his world around that im basically his life and he wants to do better to show me that he has matured a lot from the past.

I see it. He sees it. That he know he changed and so did his mindset. That he cant go one day without thinking of me. the whole time he was saying this all i cud think bout was him telling me that he was in love with me over and over again and i cudnt stop smiling for the whole hr i was on the phone. I didnt even kno the phone rung. I jux picked it up and said hello like im wide awake but crazy how anyone else call me i wudnt hear the phone ring but when he call me (either his mom or sister or aunt phone) i pick up. None of em are saved in my contacts.

I miss him so much i jux want to see him so bad. I want this thing to just fly by so i can go back to the old us just more mature. Where it seemed like nothing can stop us from being together but i didnt think someone wud literally chase after a dude 2 yrs younger than them. I found my man, go find your own.

Even thinking about the past still hurts but i can trust him. I can, its just im scared and he knows that. Wen i first met him, i didnt even think it was going to last this long. a year is a lot to me. I didnt think he wud be this damn important in my life, nor be apart of me. I cant hate other ppl for being in happy relationships wen i was single, becuz they found who they wanted to get married to and still with them 6 years later.

I want a love like that. I want an anniversary where itll be our 70th and whateva award u get for it. I want to be the 80 yr old couples that still hang out and watch movies together.

Its so much about him and what he said that makes me not regret sticking with him. I never regretted it in the first place, i knew what i was getting into. But when they say everyone deserves a second chance... I see why. Cuz some proves to be the one that can change for better and not for worse.

Love is love, and it feels so dmn good to be in it. Especially if they love you back the same way.

Not bullshittin bout it, like true genuine love. the ones u see off the movies. :)
Im jux in a happier mood. My week is brightening up.

Bored in class. omg physical science tutoring labs needs to hurry up.

Dear Boyfriend

I know I have been acting different towards you lately. Telling you I’m upset yet can’t bring myself to tell you what is wrong but when I do, I can’t seem to finish. I apologize for that. I just been going through my messages on facebook back to July when that “situation” happened. I can’t help but just read it sometimes. It makes me upset and makes me question “Why?” All I can ask myself is “Why? When it seemed like everything was perfect and going fine, shit suddenly just changed.” Then when it came down to it you find out that it was a mistake and want me back and I took you back and I just still can’t get over the fact that ‘that’ happened. I can’t help but read it. I try not to but maybe I read it because I just need a reason to keep my guard up. The one time I let my guard down, I got disappointed. Now, when I see something I don’t like or suspicious. I quickly bring it back up and just act different until I feel like I am out of the danger zone. Yes, I said the danger zone. Where I feel like another “her” can pop up and take you away from me again.




I know you said that you realized that your heart was with me and that she didn’t make you feel how I made you feel, but why couldn’t you see that before you got with her and then attempted to do it behind my back but then had to let it all be known and me, as always, being the last to find out. I was devastated. It felt like everything in me fell apart, my heart broke in a million pieces and they still not mended all together. I feel like I can trust you to a certain extent and instead of me giving everything I have to you, that I should just give you bits and pieces, but I don’t. I still treat you the same way as I did before we broke up but just a bit more closed.



Yea, we can talk about anything and everything but i’d rather you talk about you than me talk about me and my issues that I have with THAT problem that happened. Your open to talk about it more than I am. I just wish that you would just yank it out of me instead of me trying to squeeze it out myself. When I try to do that, I’m left with tears. Tears of me trying to open up but can’t because I keep closing myself off. I don’t want to be like that my whole life. I want to actually open up about my feelings openly but I can’t. I want to be able to say it without having to write it all down. After awhile, my hand starts to hurt and my “whatevatheproblemisstarts” and I get all fidgety and my handwriting becomes crazy i rip the paper apart.



I love you with all of my heart. Even the little pieces that are being ducktaped to my heart to make it whole again. I just don’t want to get hurt more than I already have. I just want to feel loved completely and that I’m the only girl in the world that you could EVER see yourself with. I don’t want to seem like I am asking for everything from you. I’m not. I just want to be cared for. Loved. Not forgotten. I want to alwayys be on your mind.



When you say you love me more. I know you can’t love me more than I love you because that is impossible. It’s not even explainable how I love you wayy more than you love me. I don’t want to make it seem like your my everything but you kinda are. And I say kinda because your not, but your up there. I just, I doubt you would ever come across this. Even if I put this on facebook I would hide people from reading it, it comes straight from my heart. Straight from deep down in my soul about how I feel about certain actions.



It’s not like I can forget about these events that has happened in our relationship. It’s been a year and this is the longest relationship I have ever been in. I would consider this my first real relationship but I can’t because my other relationship that I consider real was back in eleventh grade. The sex doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s just another thing that I love about you but it hurts to feel cheated on. Even when you said the past is haunting you, I know that I was cheated on. Again. But I didn’t bother to ask. I’m to scared to ask. It wouldn’t make a difference. He already has me. I already agreed to God that I’m in this till death do us part. As many times as we had said that together. “till death do us part.” We might as well be married.



But you can’t say a girl pregnant and its yours and not make it seem like you didn’t cheat on me. It’s like I know the answer to the question because unless she already had the baby, then I know you cheated. You can’t say anything about the month of July because it would have to be a coincidence. Regardless if you wasn’t with me but with that girl. You still cheated on me with that girl. Because when you said “2 weeks strong” All I could think about was how my gut feeling was right and how I shouldn’t have ignored it when I first seen that girl.



But when it came down to it, you realized she was just using you as a rebound for your homeboy that broke up with her. I knew that was the reason yall got together in the first place, so when you have messaged me saying that you made a mistake and that your heart wasn’t with her but with me. I wasn’t surprised. I smiled staring at my phone, while I was on my way to Six Flags in Georgia and my heart was racing.



But yet, with all that said. I don’t know why I still considered taking you back. I still feel a little hurt about it but yet I’m risking this again. Risking my happiness. In case you decide to wander off again. Sometimes I read things on ya facebook that make me smile. Especially when you said that you was happy in ya relationship and that haters can suck ya dick and that you love me with everything you had. I couldn’t help but smile but yet. My guard is still up. I’m scared to put it down. I’m scared to tell you that I’m scared to put it down. Hell, I’m scared for you to read this. I don’t want you thinking I don’t trust you.



“Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” -Bob Marley



I try. I really do try. I can just push it to the back of my head and just think that you are doing nothing wrong but I never know what you would be doing. We are in two different places. Two different sets of eyes. If I can’t see you, I just have to trust that you won’t hurt me again. Which I can, but I can’t help when these feelings come back.



Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.



I know that this is long. I just wanted to write how I feel. So I can stop thinking about it. I love when you call. It always seem to brighten up my day to hear from you and that your okay and that I have something to look forward to when I come home. I just want to let you know that I love you more than anything. Your up there with the love that I have for my mom. If anything happened to you or her, I don’t know what I would do. It’s like yall are the reason for me living now. Because I don’t want to hurt you or my mom if something bad was to ever happen to me. With that said, I hope you understand why I been feeling like I had been feeling lately. I really hope you understand.



Shanae

Let me tell u bout my suitemate

Y! Do u live so dirty! Dont stick yo used pad in the trashcan uncovered. Dont stick yo pad against the toilet. Dont stick yo pad on the floor. Put it in ur trashcan take ur trash out. Clean ya hair off the fckn bathroom sink. I dnt want to put my toothbrush down on a sink full of hair! Hair! clean the shit up! Im not, its not my hair. I do my hair in my room. I put my trash in my room. It does not take 3 days to use a full roll of tissue. I know it doesnt. I stayed wit 8 ppl in the house for a month and we never used a whole roll of tissue in 3 days. What the fck do u be doin? Honestly, i paid for the tissue. I shud have half of what i brought from last semester left. I got 3 out of 25 left from last semester. Its only 4 months we was there. wtf can u be doin for it to be gone. .......... my roommate said she wanted to report her. Tlkn bout she tired of puttin up signs sayin hide yo pads and take em out before they stink up the place. Im tired of seeing them to. My other suitemate uses tampons so i dnt worry bout her cuz she doesnt do dirty shit. She never left shit in the toilet and not flushed it. It was the other one. YOUR A GIRL! Cnt stress that enuff.

My roommate boyfriend is pissin me off

I dont know how to dance thats why i didnt go to the gym jam and im typsy. Well i was. This nigga tlkn bout he drunk he rantin. He didnt go cuz he lost his college i.d. Oh the fck well dont lose shit bitch.

And his gf tryna have fun. She paid 6 dollars for 2 tickets her ass better have fun. Thats money. But he trippin tlkn bout dumbass hoe. How the fck u gon say u gon be here an hr ago and not show up. Ugh i wanna leave. I need my drink. i need someone to mess with.

I dnt want to go off on this nigga, shit is unneccessary. World dont revolve around u now he tlkn bout breakin bottles like honestly. I dont got time for no fckn foolishness. he cry when she say she gnna dance wit otha dudes. Its not like she fckn him. And if this room get checked and i get fined for iillegal visitation ima cuss his ass out.

Im not babysittin no 19 yr old nigga. Handle ya liquor. Deal wit the consequences. Let the bitch have fun.

250 Dollar frames. Ugh. 509 total wit the appt and transition lenses. Thank gudness for my mom insurance i got refunded my money back.

I hated having company over and my dad shows up

I remember eating a some food. I didnt even get a whole lot to eat cuz i was still in the process of fixing it. All i wanted to eat was the noodles mom cooked and then he said "do u think u shud eat that, dont u think ur fat enuff." i wasnt big as a child (not like wiiiiiiiiideload big, i jux had huge boobs.) at all but it made me feel like the boy that took up the whole seat by himself.

But what made it worse was that my friend was standing right there and all he did was laugh.

:( ......

But nobody even heard that story (idk if she told anybody but i never said anything). Cuz my ride or die was at my house one day and he did the same thing. i cant eat anything while im around company and he here. I dont eat at all. When we go to a restaurant i just sit there, order something cheap and try to eat without getting made fun of... Cuz from 8th grade to now, shit still hurts thinking bout it.

New Message

You have a Picture Mail from shanaedreher@pm.sprint.com

Message: Three little ducks go into a Bar......'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.'Huey,' was the reply.'How's your day been, Huey?''Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?''Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.'Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?' No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.'My name is Puddles.' Now tell me YOU'RE NOT going to Forward THIS.   View Entire Message Send and receive Pictures and Videos through Picture MailSM. For more information go to www.sprint.com/picturemail.

Please be aware your friends can forward your picture, video, and album share invitations to others or post the unique Web link to your share invitation on any number of sources (e.g. blogs), through which others could also gain access to your online photos. If you have private or sensitive photos you are sharing, please share them only with those you trust.

© 2010 Sprint. All rights reserved.

Am i the only one that does that. My mom called me weird 4 it.

Where is the stick they used to have so i can spread the sauce.

Some things i dont understand.

Wearing short as skirts in 20 degree weather and little to no clothes! idc if its 50 degress its still cold. These patterned see thru tights with a tiny ass dress. Is it worth risking the chance of getting pneumonia just to look cute??? No! I don't understand.

In class my teacher had mentioned that we would be going over self-reflection and I was thinking about my personal blogs that I had started in December 2009. Recently, I had went back to them and read it from the beginning and realized how much I have changed about myself and overcame the difficult situations that I was going through. I like going back to read them every couple of months because it makes me appreciate where I am now than where I was then. I realized a lot about myself by keeping an online blog, because I know that I wont have to lose it (like a diary) because it will always be there

I love his random ass phone calls

He wanted to let me know that he missed me and that it seems jux like yesterday that i was with him and he wants me right back so i better go home this weekend. Lol.

I wud but i told him im coming home next weekend, he sounded upset. :( But he'll get over it.

I miss him even more now, but a great way for me to fall asleep. :D

Physical Science

Mannn that teacher is so monotoned.

I dont have internet at school so my blogs are coming from me. No reblogs anytime soon unless im on the computer but even then idc much for reblogging.

He was tlkn on and on and no idea i zoned out for a bit and dozed off twice. But yay! I dnt have to get a book for that class but boo i already took out 180 for it. Smh. Oh well, extra money for me.

Now i can get me that hoodie for WSSU. Lol.

I started my time of the month. Im really upset and happy. Came on time this month but now, i feel sick to my stomach and in sooooo much pain yet i have no pain killers.

he don't got to be perfect but With or without flaws; if I love him then he's perfect for me.

Even though i talked to him for 2 days out of this week for like 3 mins total it seem like.

He knows how to make me feel better. I feel like he can sense when im upset, to the point of no return and jux givin up. Yet, he calls and says the most corniest stuff but i love him for that.

Even tho he mentioned that lil girl i dnt like, but... It jux made me miss him even more. Tlkn bout its the lil things he cant stop thinking bout. Going thru my pictures on my ipod, then tlkn bout showing it to nichole (And all his friends sayin thats my baby. Corny but sweet lol.) and how she said that she liked the one we took together so he showed her that. Then asked if i had slow jams and he said that yea, but its not for u to hear.

-I aint kno wat that meant, then started tlkn bout how they are baby making music. (Aka), Louder, Sex drive, mattress music, pullin her hair, skin, s&m, nobody, slow jams, sweet lady, Freak Me, pretty ricky 2nd cd, and many more oldies and new ones. The freakky songs. Omg. I miss my ipod.

i miss my babe. Ima see him Sunday. Im not gnna spend my 10 dollars i have left. Ima keep that for emergency gas money and if i dont go to SC. Then even better. :) School is gnna suck so much without him. I always make a wish before i go to sleep and wen. I wake up. Hoping miracles can happen. :)

Call me crazy. I dnt care. Thats my babe and we already said we was in this for life. No matter the stupid ish he puts me thru. Jux glad i dnt have his kind of drama in my life (except that girl. If it wasnt for her being a hoe and 16 i already wud have gave her some words but i dnt speak. If u dnt got nuttin Nice to say, dont say it.) hella funny wen ol dude put her on blast tho. Smh. shame, kids fckn around 8 9 and 10 like.... Around that age i still played wit barbies and thought boys had cooties and was not interested in them till i turned 16.

Off that. I love him. :( I just need him right now. :D .... I think that shud be the other way around but .... Oh well.

Jux took a pregnancy test and i feel like it lied to me...

i be feelin like shit lately in the AM

Usually around this time in the morning I be feeling sick to my stomach. All i do is lay down and i feel like i have to throw up. I been feeling like this all week. I dont know what is wrong with me.
Then When i go to the bathroom and sit on the floor waiting for it to come, nothing happens. I mean, my period doesnt come on for a while soo….. its not early symptoms and if it was, i wud be poppin pills cuz of early pains but i dont do that.
•Nauseous
•Eating more than usual
•Sleeping like literally all day everyday to the point, i dont realize i was sleep. like 10 hours than the usual 6 i manage to get.
•Back Pain. Wait, i rule that out because i have always had back pain.
•My tummy feeling weird.
•Emotional. Like, i literally just cried over nothing 2 minutes ago.

Ughh.. im not pregnant. so what the hell can it be. U kno what, ima borrow a couple dollars from my mom when she goes on break. (if i remember to wake up on time.) and buy me a pregnancy test. If i am, ughhh! Y! i changed my mind on kids a long time ago. ima jux go back to the bathroom and sit on the floor. I still dont feel good.