Dear Boyfriend

I know I have been acting different towards you lately. Telling you I’m upset yet can’t bring myself to tell you what is wrong but when I do, I can’t seem to finish. I apologize for that. I just been going through my messages on facebook back to July when that “situation” happened. I can’t help but just read it sometimes. It makes me upset and makes me question “Why?” All I can ask myself is “Why? When it seemed like everything was perfect and going fine, shit suddenly just changed.” Then when it came down to it you find out that it was a mistake and want me back and I took you back and I just still can’t get over the fact that ‘that’ happened. I can’t help but read it. I try not to but maybe I read it because I just need a reason to keep my guard up. The one time I let my guard down, I got disappointed. Now, when I see something I don’t like or suspicious. I quickly bring it back up and just act different until I feel like I am out of the danger zone. Yes, I said the danger zone. Where I feel like another “her” can pop up and take you away from me again.




I know you said that you realized that your heart was with me and that she didn’t make you feel how I made you feel, but why couldn’t you see that before you got with her and then attempted to do it behind my back but then had to let it all be known and me, as always, being the last to find out. I was devastated. It felt like everything in me fell apart, my heart broke in a million pieces and they still not mended all together. I feel like I can trust you to a certain extent and instead of me giving everything I have to you, that I should just give you bits and pieces, but I don’t. I still treat you the same way as I did before we broke up but just a bit more closed.



Yea, we can talk about anything and everything but i’d rather you talk about you than me talk about me and my issues that I have with THAT problem that happened. Your open to talk about it more than I am. I just wish that you would just yank it out of me instead of me trying to squeeze it out myself. When I try to do that, I’m left with tears. Tears of me trying to open up but can’t because I keep closing myself off. I don’t want to be like that my whole life. I want to actually open up about my feelings openly but I can’t. I want to be able to say it without having to write it all down. After awhile, my hand starts to hurt and my “whatevatheproblemisstarts” and I get all fidgety and my handwriting becomes crazy i rip the paper apart.



I love you with all of my heart. Even the little pieces that are being ducktaped to my heart to make it whole again. I just don’t want to get hurt more than I already have. I just want to feel loved completely and that I’m the only girl in the world that you could EVER see yourself with. I don’t want to seem like I am asking for everything from you. I’m not. I just want to be cared for. Loved. Not forgotten. I want to alwayys be on your mind.



When you say you love me more. I know you can’t love me more than I love you because that is impossible. It’s not even explainable how I love you wayy more than you love me. I don’t want to make it seem like your my everything but you kinda are. And I say kinda because your not, but your up there. I just, I doubt you would ever come across this. Even if I put this on facebook I would hide people from reading it, it comes straight from my heart. Straight from deep down in my soul about how I feel about certain actions.



It’s not like I can forget about these events that has happened in our relationship. It’s been a year and this is the longest relationship I have ever been in. I would consider this my first real relationship but I can’t because my other relationship that I consider real was back in eleventh grade. The sex doesn’t mean anything to me. It’s just another thing that I love about you but it hurts to feel cheated on. Even when you said the past is haunting you, I know that I was cheated on. Again. But I didn’t bother to ask. I’m to scared to ask. It wouldn’t make a difference. He already has me. I already agreed to God that I’m in this till death do us part. As many times as we had said that together. “till death do us part.” We might as well be married.



But you can’t say a girl pregnant and its yours and not make it seem like you didn’t cheat on me. It’s like I know the answer to the question because unless she already had the baby, then I know you cheated. You can’t say anything about the month of July because it would have to be a coincidence. Regardless if you wasn’t with me but with that girl. You still cheated on me with that girl. Because when you said “2 weeks strong” All I could think about was how my gut feeling was right and how I shouldn’t have ignored it when I first seen that girl.



But when it came down to it, you realized she was just using you as a rebound for your homeboy that broke up with her. I knew that was the reason yall got together in the first place, so when you have messaged me saying that you made a mistake and that your heart wasn’t with her but with me. I wasn’t surprised. I smiled staring at my phone, while I was on my way to Six Flags in Georgia and my heart was racing.



But yet, with all that said. I don’t know why I still considered taking you back. I still feel a little hurt about it but yet I’m risking this again. Risking my happiness. In case you decide to wander off again. Sometimes I read things on ya facebook that make me smile. Especially when you said that you was happy in ya relationship and that haters can suck ya dick and that you love me with everything you had. I couldn’t help but smile but yet. My guard is still up. I’m scared to put it down. I’m scared to tell you that I’m scared to put it down. Hell, I’m scared for you to read this. I don’t want you thinking I don’t trust you.



“Truth is, everybody is going to hurt you; you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for.” -Bob Marley



I try. I really do try. I can just push it to the back of my head and just think that you are doing nothing wrong but I never know what you would be doing. We are in two different places. Two different sets of eyes. If I can’t see you, I just have to trust that you won’t hurt me again. Which I can, but I can’t help when these feelings come back.



Everyone says love hurts, but that is not true. Loneliness hurts. Rejection hurts. Losing someone hurts. Envy hurts. Everyone gets these things confused with love, but in reality love is the only thing in this world that covers up all pain and makes someone feel wonderful again. Love is the only thing in this world that does not hurt.



I know that this is long. I just wanted to write how I feel. So I can stop thinking about it. I love when you call. It always seem to brighten up my day to hear from you and that your okay and that I have something to look forward to when I come home. I just want to let you know that I love you more than anything. Your up there with the love that I have for my mom. If anything happened to you or her, I don’t know what I would do. It’s like yall are the reason for me living now. Because I don’t want to hurt you or my mom if something bad was to ever happen to me. With that said, I hope you understand why I been feeling like I had been feeling lately. I really hope you understand.



Shanae