He's gnna tell me that he is startin to regret lettin me go becuz she lied to him or whateva but won't tell me what happened. I forgave him like the 2nd day, but I dnt think ima go thru this wit him. I guess his "2 weeks strong" relationship might not work out and I can honestly say, I'm not no rebound girl. He shudda thought about that, before he started tlkn to her. I guess u live & learn.
--PointBlankk

So, I sent the list

I sent the list to a couple of ppl and the only response I got (4 now) is soooo sweet and it comes from my Navy guy who I miss, and have not seen since high school.

"Aww nae... that's so sentimental like as I was reading it, it felt like
I was so close to you... and is everything in here how you truly feel...
I know life gets rough sometimes but you should always know that you're
not alone and should NEVER think about suicide... because you won't only
hurt yourself but people around you... you may think that no ones cares
but you don't know how many people you touch with just a text, greeting,
phone call or even a hug from you (me)... you will always have an effect
on the people around you... since high school I feel I have gotten so
close to you and just to let you know you're at the top of my list...
don't know and don't want to find out what I would do with out you... I
see us, lifelong friends going over each others house barbequing or
whatever... know that I'm always here and will always listen to what you
have to say... and I feel that you'd do the same for me... :) I love you
nae"

Its just sweet, too bad he in Cali and likes some girl from NC. *sighs* I wish that was me wen he said he had a girl back home he loved. (NC) broke my heart wen he said some other girl name when I finally got it out of him.

Brother/sister bonding ruins relationships. I shuda never said he was like a brother to me, but its cool tho. I want him, still. Since like, I was in 9th grade and he was in the 11th.
*sighs*

I care. I have feelings.

"If u really knew me, you'd know that I always want what I can't have and substitute it for wanting guys that are opposite from what I want."
--PointBlankk

If u really knew me

Is a touching show and MTV has never failed me once with its reality shows about teens. BET needs to take notes. (Bgc comes on next tuesday)

This was my very first episode watching if u really knew me. Let me share a lil of mine.

.......

U wud kno that I cry myself to sleep almost every night because of things I hear ppl say about me.

Crying makes me feel even more pathetic than I already feel about myself.

My true friends are the ones I have known since high school, PointBlank.

I'm very easy to get along with and a major bitch if we end up beefing over something.

I regret A LOT of things in my past, so I cannot say I don't regret them because I do regret them and I wish I can turn back the hands of time.

I honestly honestly (seriously) thought about going lesbo but I can't fathom the idea of me, lickin some girls cooter.

u'd kno it breaks my heart eveytime I see him with another but I care too much to wanna hurt him by saying something.

I have the tendency to look and check up on people making sure that they are ohkayy and just hoping, for the hopeless.

I have an attitude towards everybody at first because I don't know if I can handle another major heartbreak of any reason right now.

Yes, I have considered suicide a lot in my life, and I attempted once but couldn't go through with it.

I always have these dreams that I died young, but idk when that is, and I start to realize that's why I rush everything. (I always known I won't make it pass the age 25)

I'm HIGHLY insecure and I feel like if someone gives me a compliment, they are lying to me and only do it to make themself feel better.

I wish I had a guy I can hang out with everyday instead of sticking to my phone like glue.

U wud kno how I bottle everything up inside and that any minute now I can just snap, and commit murder. (TrueStory)

Family really isn't all that important to me.

I strive for my relationships to work, but I wish I had someone do the same for me.

I would rather be the one to get approached instead of doing the approaching.

Many more... To tireddd to write them.
--PointBlankk

&& We Make Mistake ; We Do Wrong ; But I Found That ( loving ] Truly ( loving ] means [ Forgiving ] ; && Letting Go ; A Heavy Heart Will Do Nothing To Benefit Your Relationship ; There Is No Love Without Forgiving && No Forgiving Without Love ; && Thats R e a l -- REESE

My leg itches so baddd like ughhh. Boost mobile gettin on my nerves wit this phone bill shit but this the first time I been on hold for five minutes with this company. Now my payment was cancelled. All over my debit card shit. Which means I can't do shit till it's cleared off my account.

I got my ipod, songs on the ipod, a couple videos I'm broke no money idk wht the fck happened I paid my phone bill straight cash and they bullshittin me.

Life sucks right now and idk what ima do for the rest of my life but be here mope around and skip class.

Idk what's wrong wit me I jux need something to make me feel better. I'm sad for no reason.

*ugh*

--PointBlankk

First tattoo

If I had 300 dollars I wud get mad tattoos cuz I keep feeling my heart being broken and the pain helped sum stress go away but as I'm laying in my bed, I still feel like shit inside. *sighs*

--PointBlankk

Fck him

All guys are not the same but most of them ends up getting to that point. I'm happier single. These. 5. Months were gudd till that girl came along.

I'm changing my ways. Time for a new attitude. What one man won't do, another man will. Point blank.
--PointBlankk

I can only take so much

Its like we gudd, next thing u kno, something happens. Idk idk idk idk. I just dnt kno anymore. I dnt know what's real or fake, and I'm tireddd of my heart being shattered everytime.

I tried taping it up and it always ends up coming apart.

Is this what happens when u let ya guard down in relationships? If so, I don't think I want any part on it at all.
--PointBlankk

So, I feel like our relationship is going to be off and on off and on becuz this morning, he tlkn bout he dnt want to lose me to something stupid and I'm like, uhmm.

And then he said that when I came to get him, she be on his facebook page and looking at his stuff. And she seen that mine said that I wud go to hell and back for him jux to make him happy, and told him that he needs to stop fckn up and tlk to me becuz if I'm willing to do that then he shud keep me by his side and that he only making up excuses for me to let him go.

And we was at his 2nd mom house and she tld him the same thing but more in depth, tlkn bout he making a dumbass mistake and always making dumbass decisions and that one of these days I won't be waiting on him to get himself together and how I went thru a lot of bs with him that I really didn't have to go thru.

And then he stuck wit a decision on to stay or leave, and I think he left to go back to durham and I honestly dnt kno if we r back together or not.

A part of me is happy, but the other part of me is just watching out for him to say "its not gnna work out" and idk if I can handle being hurt again.

But, *sighs* I don't know what I am going to do. I love him so much, I guess that's why they say love is blind. I truly understand that.
--PointBlankk

is finding it amaZng how the person who can make u so happy u feel u can fly is the same person who can upset u so much u cnt help but cry.
--PointBlankk

--PointBlankk

He jux told me he wants me to go to his mom house this weekend. :( why do I have to go though? If I go. Ima be in worse shape wen I leave.
--PointBlankk

"Love Never Fails"

Whoever came up with that must have never really felt it at its breaking point. That's my first thought of that, cuz I was also thinking love also fails but I aint want to say that just in case.

After a lil debate on facebook. I figured, shoot. Love never does fail. Miriam, she helped me out a lot. She told me that he probably needed time to get his life together, and if its meant to be, later on down the road we'll be back together. God has a plan, and he knows what it is. I wish I knew so I can look forward to it than thinking about it.

Well, I feel that it is and that he better keep his promise and if he doesn't, then idk anymore. I just want him to call me and ima apologize for how I acted and ima always be there for him, always.

Becuz some ppl do jux need some time to themself. I just need time to heal, but only time will tell what will happen in the end but if lifes too short and I was the best thing u had, why give me up?
--PointBlankk

He called tellin me that he dnt want me to have to wait for him but I don't get it. His dad is in jail, and I know his stepmom has been waitin for 5 years still got 1 or 2 more till he gets out.

She is waiting for his dad, why can't I wait for him?
--PointBlankk

Tired of trying, tired of crying, tired of waiting, tired of wanting, tired of needing, tired of living.

It just really sucks that when u have a friend that you always call on, forgets to hit you back even after you txt them and they got off work.

It sucks that when everyone in your life, (excluding some) are trying to doubt the change you make and doubt the type of person you are.

Only a few have seen the best in me, truly know me for me, loves me for who I am and supports me in everything.

There is only one true love that I can give my all to. One that really deserves it. one that can be everything I need to be and more. One with priorities, knows what he needs and what he wants.

I'm so tired of being put on hold for something. I get too close to a guy, and I get put on hold. Happens every time.

I will never be like my best friend. She found her somebody and they been thru it all. I'm truly happy for her but I want to experience the happiness that she has and I can't if I'm always being put on hold.

Why? Why can't I just have what I want this time? Why?

--PointBlankk

I shud have listened. I'm single. Again. And I'm threw with this bullshit.

--PointBlankk

I laughed out loud at this

Kym Wrote: A plane is losing power, the pilot comes over the intercom and says "Sorry it had to come to this folks, but we already let the luggage go and the plane continues to lose speed, I hate to have to do this, but now we're gonna have to start releasing passengers by "Alphabetical Order". Beginning with the letter "A" of course, so are there AFRICANS, ANY AFRICANS? No one answers...ok now "B"... BLACC PEOPLE ANY BLACC PEOPLE? Again, silence."C" COLORED PEOPLE, ANY COLORED PEOPLE? Silence. A blacc child turns to his mother and asks, "Mom, arent we African American, Blacc and Colored? His mother turns to him and says "Honey today we are NIGGAS", let them Mexicans go first!" So the little blacc boy turns to the little mexican kid sitting next to him and laughs! The mexican kid laughs bacc and says "I'm a WETBACC, so get ready to jump my Nigga"!!!
--PointBlankk

Its thunderin really baddd I'm not good with thunder like honestly. *sighs* I'm scareddd. So serious.
--PointBlankk

Convo...

Participants:
-------------
disterbin_da_peece, timthomp1991
Messages:
---------
timthomp1991: Me eitha.....buh look, Shanae, Ill do whatever....I really just want you....Im nt ugly or whack, and I do have a good heart...I jus wanna be with you....to talk to you and everything
disterbin_da_peece: Really, where u goin.
timthomp1991: Guilford Tech...Im playin basketball up there....remember I told you i played 4 years in high school
disterbin_da_peece: U never tld me that, jux said football at fsu.
timthomp1991: I played both in hs...but basketball is my sport though....buh Shanae plz I need you
disterbin_da_peece: U dnt need me.
timthomp1991: Yes I do....look Shanae Im trying to show you im really serious
disterbin_da_peece: And I have a bf.
timthomp1991: Ok....but look no disrespect, but all I see is you
disterbin_da_peece: Yea and 10 other girls.
timthomp1991: Um...no....I dnt roll like that...and idk where you got that from....
disterbin_da_peece: .... I'm not slow I seen u wit at least 10 other girls at school.
disterbin_da_peece: And tim ur not ugly but I'm jux not interested in u. I dnt have time for games.
timthomp1991: Wow....half of them wnt looking for a relationship...thats what I wanted...but Shanae plz...I really do like you alot
disterbin_da_peece: Well I'm not lookin for one. Cross me off ya list.
disterbin_da_peece: I'm happy where I'm at and who I'm with.
timthomp1991: Dnt do me like this plz
disterbin_da_peece: U sayin it like I'm breakin up wit u.
timthomp1991: Yur special ok? If yu wasnt i wouldnt even try....obviously I really like you alot but yu jus throwin me to da side
disterbin_da_peece: I havvve a boyfriend. I'm not gnna ditch my bf for u. Ill pass on that. And I told u since like fall semester I aint like u like that. Geez. Its been a year and u still buggin.
timthomp1991: Um Shanae, no disrespect, but y u let me hit it then?
disterbin_da_peece: I aint let u and u never did.
timthomp1991: Um, what?
disterbin_da_peece: Ppl have sex all the time even when they dnt give a shit bout the person.
disterbin_da_peece: Or in my case, not interested.
timthomp1991: Ok...well thanks anyway....;)
disterbin_da_peece: ........ Thnx for what. We aint even get that far.
timthomp1991: Ok, what u mean we didnt get that far?
disterbin_da_peece: ~X(
timthomp1991: Lol relax....Yu good....ok?
disterbin_da_peece: Whateva. Anything else u wanna complain bout.
timthomp1991: Um I dnt complain s chill with that.....plz
disterbin_da_peece: Well beg. If it makes it sound easier.
disterbin_da_peece: Nahh pleading is the word, cuz that's what it seems like.
timthomp1991: Oh so im beggn you? Dnt mak it seem like that....Im jus tryna be a real man, and let you know what I wanted...
disterbin_da_peece: U told me at least a million times and each time I tell u the sammeeee thing. Like, honestly, give up. Go back to that nicki minaj girl u was so interested in that one time.
timthomp1991: What? Look Shanae I know yu dne fucked plenty dudes so y u trippin?
disterbin_da_peece: Wtfckkk. What makes u think that.
timthomp1991: Shanae yu use to tell me all the time that u was fuckin sumbody
disterbin_da_peece: ..... No,u used to think I was fckn somebody when all I said I was hanging out with a guy and u wud THINK I'm fuckin somebody cuz that's all u ever think about is fuckin. If I said I was hanging with my friend, that's a boy.
disterbin_da_peece: The first thing u gon say is, he gonna see ya boobs. He gnna see ya boobs.
timthomp1991: Um....im sorry, I was wrong for that....but Shanae, yu gota admit yu do got some big 1s
disterbin_da_peece: ................... Tim. Dnt tlk to me no more.
timthomp1991: Y u getting mad???? Look im sorry...if u dnt like them tht much, y u dnt get a reduction?
disterbin_da_peece: Becuz one, u tlkn bout it like its the only thing u think about and I have a right to get mad. Its annoying.
timthomp1991: Yu rite...but im not always talking about that....yeah I like them, but youre more than that
disterbin_da_peece: .... U r always talking about that.
disterbin_da_peece: If that's not it u tlkn bout how much u wanna be with me. If its not that u tlkn bout sex. If not that its back to my boobs.
timthomp1991: Im sorry for the boob thing, I truly am....
disterbin_da_peece: Uh huh.
disterbin_da_peece: Say that now, ur gnna do it again anyway.
timthomp1991: Um nooo.....Idk, I was jus jealous
disterbin_da_peece: Of wat
timthomp1991: That yu was fucking and still is fucking yo bf, and he got to have all of you
disterbin_da_peece: What's wrong with that.
timthomp1991: Nothing, its jus I wanted to be the 1 u was fucking
disterbin_da_peece: ...... Oh wow. Nice way to put it.
timthomp1991: Im sorry, i dint mean to make it sound like that, but I wanted to be te 1 u was doing that with
disterbin_da_peece: Uh huh. Whateva. Technically u wanted to be a friend with "benefits".
timthomp1991: No...I wantedto be ya man....but yu didnt want me
disterbin_da_peece: I had a bf.
timthomp1991: Before then....wen me and yu had did it
disterbin_da_peece: I had a bf.
disterbin_da_peece: And we aint do it.
timthomp1991: Ok, well let me ask you, what did we do?
disterbin_da_peece: Nothing.
timthomp1991: Ok, so yu neva came to my room?
disterbin_da_peece: We aint neva do nuthin. Cuz like u said "condom broke" and that was it.
disterbin_da_peece: And that was the very beginning, as far as I kno of.
disterbin_da_peece: Anything else.
timthomp1991: No I hit it afta that completely and nutted in da condom
disterbin_da_peece: ...... I dnt think so.
disterbin_da_peece: I dnt remember was I high.
timthomp1991: An then yu came to my room an we was doing stuff 2nd semester at the beginning...and yu smoke?
disterbin_da_peece: Idr doin anythin wit u Spring Semester. Well January.
disterbin_da_peece: The beginning of january cuz I aint start tlkn to my bf till liike the 3rd week of january.
timthomp1991: Yeah it was da beginning...cuz I rememeber I use to say do yu go my fave bra on
disterbin_da_peece: U txtd that
disterbin_da_peece: U always txtd me harrassin me.
disterbin_da_peece: Tlkn bout my BOOBs
timthomp1991: Buh we had that going, and yu wud look out for me on that
disterbin_da_peece: .............. I what?
timthomp1991: Yu wud wear that bra.....
disterbin_da_peece: I was wearing it that day anyway.
timthomp1991: Um yeah...but by the way, do yu still got that?
disterbin_da_peece: Nahh I threw it away.
timthomp1991: Uh hmm lol jus playin
timthomp1991: Buh I jsu wish I was the 1
disterbin_da_peece: Well u aint
timthomp1991: Ok...well Shanae, I dnt have any pics of u left...wish I hadn deleted that1 though
disterbin_da_peece: Ok.
disterbin_da_peece: That's a start for u to not tlk to me.
timthomp1991: Can yu plz stop doin that?
disterbin_da_peece: Doing what? I got class at 10.
timthomp1991: Stop fucking that otha dude
disterbin_da_peece: Ill pass. Anything else.
timthomp1991: Maybe yu outta get tht reduction
disterbin_da_peece: Ill pass anything else.
timthomp1991: Y? Yu dn like ya boobs obviously
disterbin_da_peece: I dnt like u. Tlkn bout them. Period. Shit, if u like em so much take a picture and stare and not have a life.
timthomp1991: Ok, well let me ask you, what did we do?
Shanae Johnson: Nothing.
timthomp1991: Ok, so yu neva came to my room?
Shanae Johnson: We aint neva do nuthin. Cuz like u said "condom broke" and that was it.
Shanae Johnson: And that was the very beginning, as far as I kno of.
Shanae Johnson: Anything else.
timthomp1991: No I hit it afta that completely and nutted in da condom
Shanae Johnson: ...... I dnt think so.
Shanae Johnson: I dnt remember was I high.
timthomp1991: An then yu came to my room an we was doing stuff 2nd semester at the beginning...and yu smoke?
Shanae Johnson: Idr doin anythin wit u Spring Semester. Well January.
Shanae Johnson: The beginning of january cuz I aint start tlkn to my bf till liike the 3rd week of january.
timthomp1991: Yeah it was da beginning...cuz I rememeber I use to say do yu go my fave bra on
Shanae Johnson: U txtd that
Shanae Johnson: U always txtd me harrassin me.
Shanae Johnson: Tlkn bout my BOOBs
timthomp1991: Buh we had that going, and yu wud look out for me on that
Shanae Johnson: .............. I what?
timthomp1991: Yu wud wear that bra.....
Shanae Johnson: I was wearing it that day anyway.
timthomp1991: Um yeah...but by the way, do yu still got that?
Shanae Johnson: Nahh I threw it away.
timthomp1991: Uh hmm lol jus playin
timthomp1991: Buh I jsu wish I was the 1
Shanae Johnson: Well u aint
timthomp1991: Ok...well Shanae, I dnt have any pics of u left...wish I hadn deleted that1 though
Shanae Johnson: Ok.
Shanae Johnson: That's a start for u to not tlk to me.
timthomp1991: Can yu plz stop doin that?
Shanae Johnson: Doing what?
timthomp1991: Stop fucking that otha dude
Shanae Johnson: Ill pass. Anything else.
timthomp1991: Maybe yu outta get tht reduction
Shanae Johnson: Ill pass anything else.
timthomp1991: Y? Yu dn like ya boobs obviously
Shanae Johnson: I dnt like u. Tlkn bout them. Period. Shit, if u like em so much take a picture and stare and ot have a life.
timthomp1991: Yu wudnt let me c them....
Shanae Johnson: Well then that is telling u something.
timthomp1991: Y? Not tryna be rude or antyhing, but that otha guy sees them
Shanae Johnson: He is my bf.
timthomp1991: Ugh...I wish he didnt see them
Shanae Johnson: Well, keep wishing and go to sleep.
timthomp1991: So he really is seeing them?
Shanae Johnson: Only wen I let him.
timthomp1991: Lucky him
Shanae Johnson: Mhm.
timthomp1991: Yu wear DDDs
Shanae Johnson: No, 44d
timthomp1991: They alot bigger than tht
Shanae Johnson: I stuff my bra.
timthomp1991: I thouht so
Shanae Johnson: Yeapp. And I get botox on my face and plastic surgery at least 5 times a week.

Why do i have to constantly lie to him everytime just so he can leave me alone?

--PointBlankk

Listenin to...

Trust - Keyshia Cole and Monica.
"Let me be the one who can take you from all the things you seen and if you trust in me I can be that for anything you need. Give it all to me baby, don't you run from me baby. I'll give you every little piece of me no I won't leave out a thing cuz I know you seen a lot of things in your life. Got you feeling that this can't be right. I won't hurt you, I'm down for you baby."

--PointBlankk

from his own mouth

u ever felt so happy and sad at the same time.

well. basically he told me that the "babymama" was putting a lot of stuff in his head (how the math added up and shit) and was tryin to threaten him with child support and how he felt bad about how he broke up with me (which was fucked up like honestly) and then told me that he went to go take a DNA test.

and that the truth came out and the baby wasnt his and he said after he found that out he was tlkn bout how he lost the best thing he ever had how he is 100% around me and that if i was the one to break up with him he wud understand becuz he knows what he did was wrong and that if he cud he wud take it all back.

and (he wudnt stop tlkn bout it i aint want to tlk bout it nomore). he was tipsy to so he tlks a lot.

and then he was like there is nothing else holding him backk from being with me. talking about how he knows that aint no more baggage on him and how he is willing to do anything for me and that i deserve the best.
and how he is willing to move into a hotel if he has to in fayetteville if it calls for it. and how he said that his mom asks about me everyday and that he reallllly kno he fckd up if his mom asked for me. and this the 3rd time her asking him if im coming to see him.
i mean, he makes me happy

the thing that makes me sad is that my mom gets on my nerves
she doesnt want to see me happy like no one in this family wants to see me happy.
when i am happy bout something they want to bring me down and when im sad and depressed they want to get on my nerves meddling in my business.

its so annoying and i jux wanna like say fck it and jux start goin crazy. its so stressful. me trying to be happy and me keeping myself sane in a house full of people that act like they dnt care. but u kno what, he makes me happy and i really can care less right now.
 
I feel like im on cloud 9, i deff gotta find me a quote of the day for right now but when i wake up tho, not now.

Political Science

This class is easy and boring. Ima end up reading these chapters and looking at the slides cuz he is so monotone and my mind drifts off to everything else. Idk how its goin to happen for me to get an A in the class.

My bf bday is tomorrow any suggestions?
--PointBlankk

Quote of the Day

Life is too short to be unhappy you have to take the good with the bad smile when you’re sad love what you got and always remember what you had always forgive but never forget learn from your mistakes but never regret people change & things go wrong but always remember life goes on.

Todays main event, was me going to the mall, and bought me a shirt that I been looking for an I love it.

But why when I walk by these group of boys my sister was drooling over, one of them screams "the one with the big ass titties" like honestly. Lol. Tell me something I don't know. But its all gudd becuz I luv that shirtt and I'm no longer THAT insecure of the way I look in what I wear, but I need suttin done to my hair tho. Seriouslty. But off that.

Nothing happened today, jux tired of my dad asking about my personal life. If I wanted to tell you, I would have told you by now. But I'm going to sleep. 10am class in the morning.
--PointBlankk

A new beginning

If you are familiar with my first blog, you would definately remember my self realization post. I keep that in my phone so I can read it and It reminds me of kayla everyday. That's my best friend and she helps me realize a lot about myself.

Yall shud also remember my new years resolutions and I am PROUD to say that I accomplished them. I broke my emotional wall, and trust me I hate it. I learned to trust, even wen I don't want to I still trust him. Lol hehe and I have no more rookie ways. Jux sayin.

Just, I can't get over the shy part.

2010, I grown a lot. Ask my friends, hell I re-read my postings and I really have changed in lots of ways.

Even tho this whole break up issue with my boyfriend got to me, (which is where I left off my last post) I'm happy that she not pregnant with his child. I'm happy that we are back together and I'm jux really happy that it feels like its a clean slate between us 2.

His bday is wednesday and idk what ima do for him. I gotta see if I can get the car, I truly love him. U know, the first love is the most memorable. Well, I realllly feel like I know what love is and the past 2 days of being broken up I been depressed cryin on and off like, idk what happened till he told me.

But I'm happy I got him back.

I'm all off subject tho.

The past 6 months me and charles has been together was rocky. Seriously! What relationship isn't tho. From now till when I leave for winston salem is going to be a real challenge. Even when I'm at winston salem its going to be a challenge. Which is why this blog is called Loves Journey. I want us to go far and if we can last a relationship 3 hrs away then we can do anything. We only 45 minutes away now and we doing fine. Just as long as no more unexpected shit comes, I'm great.

You kno what's even better.

No child being born in August the week after I leave. Its all me and him and the other minor issues and we r good to go.

I love Charles Andrea' Thomas with my heart and everybody can disprove but they dnt know how I feel for him and I feel like he is the best thing that happened in my life, and I am not going nowhere, right now. (I'm only saying this becuz the saying fool me once shame on u fool me twice shame on me will never leave my thoughts. That and the 3 strinkes your out. I can't deal too much with heartbreak. Im not gnna hang on to someone that doesn't want me.)

Goodnight. Time for me to go to sleep as a taken lady for the first time in 2 days.
--PointBlankk